Sunday, 5 January 2020

The End of Decimation

The word Decimation originally refers to the beating to death of one person in a group of ten by the other nine. It was used by the Romans as a form of punishment for soldiers. To have to kill one of your brothers, who you’ve been training with and fighting beside would have been devastating. The Romans knew how to use cruelty as a form of control.

Why do I make reference to this? Well, I’ve been writing stories for a decade. This made me think of decimation simply because it relates to ten. Then I realised the decade has often felt like the same brutality as the psychological aspect of decimation. I refer to my writing journey, but overall it has been a remarkably intense ten years.

This last year could have been the most difficult, and therefore it could have been the one to be beaten and killed by the other nine (give up on writing). Granted, most of the struggles relating to writing have been self inflicted, but these emotions are instinctive and natural. It has been excruciatingly difficult not to let crippling disappointments, rejections, waiting and inadequacies break me. This year could, and probably should have been the most difficult.

The lack of writing and ability to market could have broken me so easily. Ultimately, the situation I am in has been my own choice. I chose to focus on Dungeons and Dragons for half the year, and focus on time with my friends and family. It took nine years, but I learned it’s better to wait than to rush. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I’ve learned this decade.

This writing journey has really forced me to overcome so many inner demons. Just like the body needs controlled and measured resistance to become stronger, so does the mind and heart (a generalisation- obviously specific situations differ). Over time (a life time) there can be strategies and techniques to process and accept thoughts and emotions related to disappointments, rejections, waiting and inadequacy. Because of this writing journey I have had to face so many personal insecurities. Often I was broken by them, but I kept rebuilding my mental and emotional pathways. Over time they became stronger. I could either let them beat me or I could learn to overcome them. And now the struggles barely even register. This has made this last year a joy, when it could have been otherwise. I do get a tiny bit impatient every so often, especially because I’m currently in a cocoon stage with my stories. But, whether it takes a year, or ten, or fifty, or never happens, I am at peace with it now. I cannot do anything more than I already am. Whatever the future holds, I’m doing my best with my specific circumstances.

The joyous and beautiful truth is that I’ve found serenity and peace. And it’s all thanks to the connected fun and challenging experiences that come from writing stories and wanting them to be published. My writing has improved over the years, but most importantly I am a far happier and tranquil human being. I am super thankful for those who have guided me on this journey. So many people have been a part of helping me grow and learn as a writer and as a person. I am thankful for all the encouragement support and help. Here’s to the next year and decade!

My main goal for the year is to finish book three of the Chronic of Elementary. There are other small goals I’ll work on, but I’m happy keeping my head down and not rushing. One day I hope to have the books out in the world again for people to read, but if not, it’s okay. I have learned not to rush or worry about things in the future. Right now is what matters most.

Wednesday, 18 September 2019

How To Kick Life In The Vagiballs (2011) – update = 29/08/2019

The Journey
Find the road that makes me happiest, according to the circumstances that surround me at any one time. This road is the road that matters most. My happiness will help others to feel happy when around me. However, sacrificing my own happiness for other does not work. Self care and rest must come first.
On the flip side, other people can impact my happiness, which is good, but the core must be my own.
I must stay on my own road of happiness at all costs. Always invite others to join me, but people come and go. The most important will always be on my road whether close or far.

Be there for them, because they have always been there for me. Family is a spectrum of ideas, so anyone can be family, but first it is blood ties. If ever they fail me I am lucky to have so many friends that our family to me. One day I may have a family of my own and will have to have the integrity and commitment to never fail them.

View life through the eyes of others. People are individuals and the way they look at life may be different but it does not make them wrong. Having an open mind will allow me to relate to people, and as a consequence be a better friend to all who I meet no matter from what background of life.

The Things That Actually Matter
Let go of things that don't matter so I can hold onto that which does.

Plans Within Plans Within Plans
Always have a plan b, c and z. Focus on plan A but be prepared to change. Life is a constant variable.

The Three: Mind, body and Spirit/Soul

The mind needs stimulation. Both fun and educational. Some stimulations are perceived as lower and some as higher. Almost all have benefits and I must choose to learn and observe what the benefits are. However, some can be destructive and I must stay clear of these. Don’t overthink!!

Being healthy helps me to be happy but health is different from shape. I want to be strong so I can accomplish and have more energy but this will come by being healthy. Being healthy is exercising in a balanced way, sleeping effectively and eating well. I have learned this is more complex. With a invisible illness it is so very hard to keep physical health balance. Being able to be strict and resting so much as I need to is important but very hard.

I must stick to my own beliefs and live them to the best of my abilities. This involves accounting for my strengths and weaknesses and includes a massive number of external influences at any given time.
I must learn what I believe and live it. I must also understand everyone has different beliefs and these are as important to those people as mine are to me. By practicing my own belief system I build integrity, self understanding and I know my place in the universe. I learn that I am special and so is everyone. I learn the value of life. Search for spiritual wellbeing through adopting a spectrum of religious and philosophical perspectives. Trust my soul to know what feels good for me to adopt.

Being Honest With My Emotions.
Emotions make me human. The intensity and experience is both beautiful and destructive. Learning how to only allow the beautiful ones to flower will bring peace and serenity.

Learn To Love
The time will come to love. I should not fear it, or project past negativities on potential future experiences. I deserve to be loved and someone deserves to be loved by me. This love will not be as a friend, or as family, but as something that in a way combines both, and is unique in its definition. It is the kind of love when two parts become one whole.
I must prepare for that moment to be the best I can. This way I can support them, learn from them, teach them and vise versa. We will be able to grow in beauty and happiness. This in turn will allow us to lift each other when down and lean on each other, holding hands through the good and the bad. I must understand it will not be easy, as I will not always be my best self, but I will try, and all that is pure will see me through. I must understand every part of who they are and love them for it.
I need to open up and let people in so the chances of finding love will be increased.
I must also love myself for who I am but be willing to change and grow.

Wants And Needs
Maintain the needs of life. Work hard to have more so the pleasures and wants such as travelling and helping people can be accomplished.
Money gives freedom and can be used to influence the world around me in a positive manner. It will increase my circle of influence. But maintaining the needs is the foundation. Building prematurely upon that foundation may destroy the foundation.
With the invisible illness it is harder to get things and influence. Learn to accept that even a simple smile to lift someone’s day is a gift that can be given. Keeping finances balanced is so important, but being happy with ones circumstance and not always desiring more and more is fundamental to happiness.

Create and Express

Thoughts, feelings, beliefs should be expressed where possible. They are the sum of all the parts that combine together to form who I am. I should love all of who I am and not be afraid to show it. All this should be done with respect.

There is nothing like creating something and looking at that creation and feeling the joys of accomplishment. Creation should always be encouraged.

Past, Present And Future
The past cannot be changed. Learn from it. This means I can have the best experience in the present/now and shape an amazing future full of wonders.

And Lastly...

Have fun! Be silly! Life is an adventure that is full of so many possibilities. Learn when to be serious but at all other times relax! dance! sing! smile! and laugh!

Monday, 2 September 2019

Crisis Point 29-11-13 Poem

Crisis Point 29-11-13

The four sides of the human coin was flipped.
And landed to make me a gentle man.
A sensitive child through play distracted,
In youth an odyssey to find my plan.
My foundation soft as tears of a dove.
Shunning misguided ideals of the man,
 Falling on my nature of just one glove.
A crisis point to change the way I ran,
From sprint to marathon I had to learn.
Defending my heart with walls of my mind.
Yet, Venus to Mars caused rages to burn,
Fanned by routine and forced to look inside.
Saved by oar, the fight, a gift, and my clan,
Complete with all sides, now a simple man.

Tuesday, 15 January 2019


With it now being 2019 I thought I better at least write an update.

2018 has been a pretty busy year for writing and book related fun. I have a cover for The Heart of Nature and it is beautiful. I'm sure in the next few months I'll be ready to show the world. I am currently waiting on the redo of The Book of Prophecy's cover and then will show both.

In December I submitted a short story to a Anthology, Lost Gods by The story is a Greek mythology story I wrote a few years back and I spent a lot of time improving it. I'm currently waiting to see if it was good enough to get into the anthology.

I am still doing lots of Dungeons and Dragons and gathering so many wonderful and entertaining stories from those adventures. We're about two thirds of the way through the campaign now and it will likely wrap up in the summer. 

I'm also waiting on feedback on the Heart of Nature from the publishers and hoping it doesn't need too much editing etc.

In 2018 I also went to Fantasy Writers Con ( In Chester) for the first time since Nottingham 2015 and it was good to be there. I spent most of the time on the stall helping sell books and then resting to make sure the health stuff didn't get too bad. It was a fun weekend for sure and gave me a lot of motivation to keep writing and seeing what the future holds for my books.

2019 is a complete unknown. I'm hoping it will be the year I realise the Heart of Nature but only time will tell. I'll do my best to update on anything that happens and any thoughts about this journey, but as always I'm rubbish at doing so these days.

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

POEM: Contradictions of Each Path 31-1-14

Here is another poem, that has been long overdue- I am so bad at keeping this blog updated these days. There isn't much new, but as always things are moving forward. One day I'll be able to show you some cool stuff that is being worked on, but who knows when. For now I'll keep posting random poems from a few years back.

Contradictions of Each Path 31-1-14

How do I make even two steps forward?
When if one taken, the second goes back.
The path of my childhood long since moored,
And joys and goals a faint vision to track.
Work’s path kills slow, I can’t win, only lose.
Even educations effort is lost.
Another path- to serve, and spread good news?
Yet, my curse of fear adds to the high cost.
Too many times I’ve failed the fight with faith.
What about the paths and worlds in my head?
Four years they have haunted me like a wraith.
Using strengths to be patient as the dead.
And all for what? A tortoise pace, still blind.
Where is the golden path I wish to find?!

Saturday, 6 January 2018

Poem: Chrysalis 2/4/13

Here's another poem. 

 Chrysalis 2/4/13

This change is excruciating, blinding.
And all I want to see is a reason.
Yet, in darkness I find sight in feeling.
Sight that was eclipsed in winter’s season.
The coldness numbing at the genesis.
For so long a chance to find light wasted.
But spring came, growing in this chrysalis.
Able to feel light though blind and tainted.
The light itself a truth, an evidence.
I will never be what I was before.
And though a thousand shocks took my substance.
Its internal mutation gave me more.
What’s through summer’s hidden door? I don’t know.
The key: observe, adapt, repeat- and grow.  

Friday, 8 December 2017

Turning 30 years old and Poetry

I had my thirtieth birthday recently. It has been celebrated wonderfully and I was treated and spoiled by friends and family. I was deeply touched by how loving everyone was and my thirtieth birthday has been a very special time.

In writing news, I have been very good and actually have lots of words put together for a future story. Granted, its just lots of notes from my dungeons and dragons campaign, but its something. My friends have been incredible players and together they have made some wonderful characters, and epic moments as we play. I can't wait to write it up one day as stories relating to the main novel.

The bad news is I have been terrible at getting my books published before the year is over. The industry is so hard to crack, and with sales only breaking even, it's difficult to keep the momentum going when publishing new books. The company have wisely slowed down the pace of publishing a little, because too much investment and not enough sales is a dangerous habit for a company to get into. Grimbold Publishing must survive, as it's amazing company. In time I  will get my stories ready to be published, but until then things have ground to a halt.

Some good news is (I think), I have some poetry to share. I wrote a number of poems when I used to work nightshift and always hoped I'd be happy, confident and brave enough to share them by the time I'm thirty. Well, I have achieved those goals and happy to share them with you. I'll post one every few weeks/month. I hope you like them.

  A Break Given To Stop This Breakdown (1-2-2011)

The drive goes on, and on, despite the crash.
While mother earth gestates her element.
Weathering and weakening, then we clash.
Like lightening, my energy is spent.
All of it used to control this machine.
She is unaffected, unstoppable.
I am rust, dents and leaking gasoline.
How to survive? This is impossible!
Harmonise, so we two will win this race.
Achieve wants, and dreams, together as one.
If you condescend for us, show us grace.
Give us a break, then repairs can be don.
Or in a trillion tears we will drown.
If no break given to stop this breakdown.