As I mentioned in my previous update I've been tackling my anxieties by doing more book related promotion etc. If you haven’t read it, in short, I was selling copies of my book down at Gloucester Docks, known as the Quays. This was terrifying each time but built my confidence as people actually came and talked to me about the book, and some people were so kind and actually purchased a copy from me. It was so good for my confidence. Especially as on the 8/7/15 I woke up and just felt overwhelmingly anxious and fearful. There was no reason why, it was just the chemicals of fight and flight had been triggered for some reason. So I forced myself to go to the Quays and try to sell some books. Just being out, doing my drawing and inviting anyone who looked interested over to see the book, helped me be distracted and let the anxieties phase out.
It took so much effort but by doing this I know I was reprogramming a lot of my fears and using something negative as a motivation to do something positive i.e when the fears try and win- go to the docks and do something to fight it and replace it with positive experiences.
However, disaster struck today (09/07/15). I was sitting with my little set up and a security guard told me what I was doing was illegal. I asked him how that could be and he said I need a licence from the council (I hate red tape, the establishment and the government claiming to support business and entrepreneurship, yet, they squash the little guy who is just trying to do something positive for himself). I could have a massive rant about this but I’ll refrain. After a genuinely nice and polite chat with the security guard (it wasn’t his fault he was just doing his job) I went to the council building to look into getting a licence. £20 POUND A DAY!!! F!T!S! There’s no way I could pay that! I nearly burst into tears as I just wanted to do something that was helping me with my mental health. I was scared about what I could do now to help me in a way that was so good for my confidence. I went into town feeling very dis-hearted and angry and worried. I controlled these emotions though and didn’t let them win. There had to be a way to still do what I was doing, or do something similar!
After some time I thought, ‘Screw it! I was selling copies! Surely Waterstones would stock it. Let’s give it another go and worse case I have to try and figure something else out.’ So fulled by my anger at the situation I went into Waterstones and explained what I had been doing, that I was selling copies, and what had happened to stop me. The manager I spoke to was very nice, looked at the book, and said they’d stock one copy and ordered it. Words cannot describe my shock. I thanked him and left a bit dazed. It isn’t until now as I write this late on the evening of this happening that I’m nearly crying with how happy I am that something positive came from this situation. I can now still market and do things in a way that isn’t going to cripple me through my anxieties or fatigue, but still fight against them and not let them win. I can feel productive and not completely useless which is what happens when I’m trying to figure out how to make my life have meaning. And today I nearly lost that feeling but thankfully still have it and in a more positive way than before. Waterstones are stocking a copy of my book! (Does happy dance)
The next update should be soon and very positive too as there’s more cool stuff in the works. I’ll write about them when they happen. I’m just going to try and enjoy this positive experience that has evolved from a negative- life can be strange like that, as often it happens that way, although requires us to also make the positive from the negative too. Anyway, that’s enough philosophising. Until next time!
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